


Dog (Squirrel) day afternoon

by DarkAthena (seraphim_grace)



Category: teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: Crack, Gen, Hostage Situation, Squirrels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-18
Updated: 2013-12-18
Packaged: 2018-01-05 03:00:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1088812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seraphim_grace/pseuds/DarkAthena
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek has been kidnapped. By a splinter group of Militant Squirrels, no really.</p><p>Crack! From a prompt by Keire_ke</p><p>Derek gets kidnapped. By something cute and unassuming and unmoveable, like a litter of puppies. :D Stiles to the rescue!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dog (Squirrel) day afternoon

**Author's Note:**

  * For [keire_ke](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keire_ke/gifts).



~~Dog~~ **Squirrel** day Afternoon  
for Keire_Ke

 

\--

  
  
Sheriff Stilinski had gone to the seminars about what to do in a hostage situation but he was pretty sure that this wasn't covered. He knew the protocol and wondered briefly if he should call in the superior manpower of the newly installed FBI field office, but then found himself asking how in the hell would he explain it.  
  
His newest deputy, one who had been strong armed into joining the Sheriff's department by the Sheriff's teenage son, and who had the highest arrest rate (and convictions!) in the county had been kidnapped.  
  
By a group of militant squirrels that were currently holding him hostage in one of the old warehouses on the edge of town by the preserve.  
  
Actually, the Sheriff thought, his son's boyfriend, although those two both denied it – a bit too vehemently for him not to believe it – who was a werewolf – because those existed, who knew, even though it made the last thirty years of WTF in the county make sense – had been lured into the warehouse and trapped in a circle of mountain ash by a splinter group of militant squirrels – actual woodland creatures – who were currently holding him ransom for five pounds of almonds – none of that monkey nut shit; 1 pound of sugared almonds – jeff has a sweet tooth; 3 pounds marzipan, freshly made not packaged; and 5 pounds of plastic explosive.  
  
So the Sheriff was stood outside the warehouse wondering what five militant extremist squirrels could do to a two hundred pound werewolf when they all pretty much weighed a pound each, with Deaton, who assured him that the militant squirrels in the preserve were not a new phenomenon and the Hales had for generations had treaties with them in regards to the use of the Preserve, as he used a wooden box to communicate with them.  
  
Although they had sent the original ransom note with words cut out of a cook book for children, covered in squirrel fur, with the idea that Jeff might have tried to eat the glue. The one after that had been a recording of Derek telling them, and sounding tired and resigned, that he had been kidnapped by the militant squirrels and would someone please send for Deaton, with the sort of resignation of someone that if something bad was going to happen, it was going to happen to him, live on national television for his humiliation to last forever – because that was the sort of luck Derek had.  
  
When he got the first message the Sheriff's first instinct was that someone, probably Derek's uncle Peter, was pranking him. When he got the second message he passed it on to Stiles to deal with. Stiles and Peter had some sort of mutual pact of non-aggression against the other because it was generally agreed that if either seriously tried to destroy the other the town would be the only casualty. So the idea that a group of militant squirrels asking for nuts and plastic explosive had to be Peter.  
  
Except Stiles had just cursed and said “I knew they were planning something, little shits, gonna make them into gloves,” told his dad to call Deaton for a translation spell, because the local veterinarian of course was a shaman come voodoo priest, the sheriff wasn't really sure- but he did have a handy supply of dead animals if he needed them – and the Sheriff wondered when the water supply at the station was filled with LSD because it was the only explanation he could come up with.  
  
“No, dad,” Stiles had explained, “it's like, you get the feeling everyone is on crack but you.” That was how he described the supernatural and he couldn't help but feel he was right.  
  
So his favourite deputy was kidnapped by militant squirrels who had an agenda no one was sure of, his son was currently at whole foods getting the nuts, Deaton was preparing minute doses of ketamine for Argent to snipe the squirrels with a gun as big as he was – and the Sheriff just kept repeating to himself – it's like everyone is on crack – but me.


End file.
